As Impaled Nazarene, a legendary Finnish Black Metal band, rolled into town I rang up the tour promoter [Chris Rigby/Subcide Productions] and an hour later I was sitting in the bar of the joint where they were staying buying Mika [the vocalist] a beer. By amazing luck there was a power socket at our table, so I plugged in and started up:
So, why are you making music?
Because it's a fucking good way to see the world and get laid.
What's the goal of Impaled Nazarene?
Well, the next goal... this year the «Rapture» Tour has taken us to lots of places... nowadays our goal is just to travel around as much as possible. So we have been to Ireland where we didn't do before. We have been to Ireland, Russia, Japan, two times Mexico, USA, Canada. So we have crossed all these places. Finally Australia, New Zealand. We have been trying to get this fucking tour for four years already, but we have been dealing with completely unprofessional bullshit companies that just don't have the resources to do it.
So what was your goal when you started out?
We didn't have any. Absolutely nothing. We just wanted to make music. Then when we got the record deal we started the touring. After that we have played like fucking five tours in Europe we were like "We have to get the fuck out of here". We have seen all the fucking clubs, all the places, all the time the same people coming to see you, so we just had to see new countries just fuck off from Europe. Europe is shit anyway.
Do you want to save the planet or destroy it?
I don't care anymore. I don't really care anymore.
Are you going to play «Burst Command 'Til War» [a cover of a Sodom song: German Speed Metal from the 80s] tonight?
Yes.
Would you be surprised if I told you probably not a lot of the crowd will know it?
That's why we play. We do it on purpose and we don't announce it. We play [didn't catch the song title] and from [that song] we continue directly to «Burst Command 'Til War». And every evening the reactions are like "What the hell is this?".
A lot of people here weren't into all that stuff.Well, perhaps we can turn them into it. Sounds like Impaled song anyway.
OK, what do you think of Electronic music?
I don't care. I used to do the Diabolus Rising you know, but I just lost interest. It sounds all the same to me.
What do you think of the way Metal is heading?
I don't how it's here, but in Europe it's the Power Metal is the biggest trend at the moment. Everyone's into the Power Metal or the Gothic. That fucking weeping Gothic shit which I cannot stand. They are all poofters.
So you're not going to try and get out of Metal like some of the Norwegians are now?
What?
Some of the Norwegian bands, like Ulver are stopping playing Metal and doing something else. Are you going to be doing that?
Ulver can stick their fucking heads in their arses for all I care.
Hahaha. OK, are you happy that Bruce Dickinson is back in Iron Maiden?
Yeah. But I am fucking sad that when we are recording our new CD that they are playing in Paris and because I live in Belgium I could have gone to see them. Fucking first show of that tour, so I was fucked. I should cancel the studio because of that.
Do you eat cheese?
Yes.
What's your favourite cheese?
What fucking kind of question's that? My favourite is the [didn't catch that either] which is a Northern France excellent cheese.
What do you think: you've seen quite a bit of the world: what do you think about racism?
I don't give a shit. I have no opinion on that. People can be whatever they want to as long as they don't rub it to my face. We had Nazi skinheads at the Dunedin show here throwing bottles at us or whatever.
Are you going to go to Hell?
I am in Hell already. Life is Hell.
Do you get many groupies, or do you actually have a wife hidden back in Finland that no one knows about?
Whatever happens on tour happens on tour, that's it. Australia was great and New Zealand has been shit so far.
What are your favourite drugs?
[Detroxapam or something that sounds like that] with whisky. That's a muscle relaxant that works like a dope bud. If you mix it with the whisky and take a couple of tablets you are fucked completely for like 14 hours. That's the best drug there is.
What's the craziest gig you ever did?
Our first show in Tokyo this March. The audience.. we have never to such a wild audience it was completely crazy. We had the guy from Osmose Productions, Herve, the owner, he was in the show. When we started playing he took away all his clothes except his jeans and he started spitting on me directly to my mouth and screaming. He jumped on the stage and kicked my arse, so I just fucking kicked his arse and I started to spit back and he kept coming on stage and spitting on me and hitting me and everybody was trashed. That was a very cool show. I would like to see someone from Century Media to go when [some band on their roster which I didn't catch] is playing and go [un-transcribable violent sound-effects]
Have you ever been afraid that you might die while you're touring?
I've already seen so much shit. I have seen so much shit and I have done my own adventures while on tour. And I'm pretty much separated from the other guys nowadays I just go my own way. So if I die today I would be happy I've seen so much stuff.
So you weren't afraid at any time, or...?
No.
Are you paranoid about the government? Like conspiracies and stuff?
Well, I know for a fact that my phone is tapped. And so is our bass player's. We were talking one Friday night on the phone and there was all the time this static like "krrrr". So he says in Finnish "Do you hear this? This phone is being tapped". And at that moment the connection was lost immediately like "do do do". So I ring him again. I said "Do you realise what happened?" and then it was clear. We caught them like the fucking truth. Nowadays when we start phone conversations we tell them to fuck off like "Fuck off State Security. Go to Hell. We want to talk alone". And I have been followed, I know.
That's terrible.
Well, at some point you know, when all kinds of shit happened inside Black Metal scene, it affected of course people like us. We are black listed somewhere. They have a fucking document about that, they have a list of all the people who can be listed as suspicious.
Did the police come and interview you and stuff?
No, because we haven't done anything illegal, so why would they do that?
Did you actually know Euronymous and people like that?
Not personally. I was in contact with him, yeah, but... I got his last letter four days before he died, or was killed.
What's the strangest thing you ever ate?
Ate? Is this a kooky magazine or what?
Yeah, it's a bit strange.
Strangest thing I ever ate? We did this show in East Germany. I don't remember the name of the willage, but there was a pub where we played and exactly 12 houses. They cooked us something. They were wegetables which I today still don't have a fucking clue what it was. I didn't eat it because... We have seen some horrible food. In Mexico we have eaten some things that we don't even know what they were, but we were hungry. We didn't have a choice. Kangaroo was cool. I liked kangaroo it tasted like bull.
How well did you do at school? Have you got like a good education?
I don't really want to answer questions like that. I prefer to keep my personal life pretty secret, because I have learned that the more open you are in interviews, the more people have to backstab you. So I'm not only being paranoid about the government, I'm paranoid about everybody. It's healthy. It's healthy to be paranoid.
Do you play any sports?
Well, if wanking is considered sport, yes.
Would you say you're still a Black Metal band, or are you getting sick of people calling you that?
People can call us whatever. We don't care. You know, it's Extreme Metal. Can you call Emperor a Black Metal band anymore? I don't think so. They have so much in their music. It's good, it's expanding. It makes things sound more interesting when you are not just sounding like a pure Black Metal band when you take other influences.
Have you seen anything in New Zealand so far that you think's pretty strange?
Well, I'll tell you one thing. The whole Dunedin: [holds up his hands] do you know what this is?
No.
Nine fingers. I tell you that the whole Dunedin is nine fingers inbred. Fucking society where the brother and the dad are married to their sisters.
Yeah, I know. I used to live down there.
We played our show. We wanted to get the fuck out of there. Let's disappear from here forever. We have done shows for 152 gigs in 24 different countries and that's the first fucking show we have ever done ever actually that and a show in Mexico in a place called [didn't catch the name] where they didn't have nine fingers, they had seven. They were even more retarded there. Fucking apes.
What are you planning for New Year's? The millennium party?
I will go to Las Vagas to gamble my money. That's what I have decided. I have always wanted to go there and I need to go to a place where it's going to be so huge and I know that Las Vagas is the entertainment centre of the world, so I'll be singing Elvis classics in the kareoke.
What's the best place you've been to so far?
You mean in New Zealand or the whole world?
The world.
Australia. Australia for us, but for me personally there's three: the whole Australia; Tokyo: actually the whole Japan: I love the Japanese culture; and then Canada: Montreal, especially the Montreal main street. It's my dream town. In the main street you have strip-club, Metal shop, bar, strip-club, Metal shop, bar. You have hookers and then you have all sorts of glue-sniffers out there, fucking bikers and stuff. I was there like "This is my dream place". It's beautiful town. And I like the Canadians. They are totally different from the people from the States.
Do you like Star Wars?
Of course. I fucking grew up on it, so.. It's my all-time favourite movie «Empire Strikes Back». I've seen it fucking 35 times or something. But I'll never get enough of it.
Have you seen the new movie yet?
It only opens by the end of August where we live, so... We wanted to see it in Australia but we didn't have a chance. But I don't think that it's a good, because they have a children playing. That's fucking moronic.
You're the first Scandinavian band to come over here. Do you see that as much of an achievement?
I'm fucking proud of that. I know for a fact that of any type of music, even Classical music or whatever, that we are the first ever Finnish band to play in New Zealand. Us! That's why we said in the interviews in Finland when we left we were like "Fuck off. We are going to New Zealand. Show us any other artist who have done that". And also like, if you compare to other bands usually other bands in Australia do like three shows or something and then it's only Auckland here and we did eight in Australia, four in New Zealand. I don't know, but it always happens to us that way. Also in Mexico, they told us we are the only international band ever to play in eight different towns. Usually the bands fly in, play Mexico City, fly out. We have done two tours, two two-week tours there touring the whole fucking country. We have been very lucky. We have seen so much shit that I should write a book about it. I've been thinking that it would be a very weird stories to tell.
What has the response been like in New Zealand so far to your band?
Well, in Dunedin it was total shit. And yesterday it was, after Melbourne, it was the best show we have done on this trip. Christchurch just ruled. It was fucking intense. People were totally into it. It was nice. So I hope that tonight it will be even better.
Do you think that short hair has a place in Metal? [I read this question rather timidly, because Mika has a shaved head]
Is this a trick question or what?
Um, no. I really didn't know that you had no hair.
I think so. I don't care. You can look whatever you like. In Japan we played our first show in [didn't catch the name]. 75% of the audience was women. None of them were Metal chicks. They came with the nice dresses and shit like that. With the guys there was one guy with a Metal shirt and everyone else was with the suit and tie. They looked like [puts on mock-Japanese voice] "I come directly from the work". And we were there like "Do you even know us?" They were like "We like Impaled. You are very good" . It was cool. So, I don't care. You can look whatever you like. If you like Metal, that's enough for me. I'm sick and tired of what we call the East German look that you have to have 20,000 tons of fucking spikes and bullet-belts before you are so-called Metal. I don't care about it anymore.
