one love festival @ point england reserve, panmure, auckland

As we [me, Rorn, Billie and Stacy] drove out to Panmure there were lots of signs to follow: this was obviously an event of large proportions. When we finally got there, the streets were jammed with people and cars, all there to celebrate Bob Marley's birthday. Eventually we got to the gate, and they invited us to pay for car-parking. We did, and then drove around looking for the perfect spot.

Most of the spots under trees were taken, but we finally found one. We really needed it because our rats were living in the van at the time, and we really needed to have the rats in the shade while we were enjoying the festival, or they would have died. We went to drive over to the spot, but then one of the officials came up to us and said "Could you please park over there?" We explained the situation to him, but he said that he couldn't help us. You see, the spaces under the trees were reserved for handicapped parking only.

We looked at the cars parked under the trees. They were surrounded by large, healthy looking specimans of Polynesian manhood, presumably the people who'd got there early enough to get a park under the trees. The official's logic was completely bogus: the handicapped people had no more need to park under a tree than anyone else: afterall, they were going to spend the day at the festival, not sitting in the carpark. And the fact that the trees were on a hill that would probably have made egress to and from their vehicles more difficult for handicapped people.

So we parked where we were told and had a discussion amongst ourselves. We were angry at the officials, the whole thing seemed to have a very money-hungry bent, and everyone we'd seen there looked very unfriendly and most un-loving. So we said "fuck this shit" and took off, causing trouble by being about the only people going against the flow and trying to leave the place.

We went and had a lovely picnic together and then went to the beach. I think we got the better deal in the end.

Deaf Terrorists @ Indigo

The first time I saw these guys was at a party, where there were about 50 people crammed into a little dark lounge entirely covered in black plastic. It was hot and loud; the crowd was slamming with the band as they played; they blew amps; someone collapsed, and as for the music: well, the drummer had drunk a 40-oz. of vodka and was playing about as slow as a dub drummer, but it still somehow worked. It was crazy, but maybe just because I was there with a schizophrenic who was tripping on peyote...

Anyway, I found out about this gig on the day, and a gold coin donation and something to do on a Wednesday night seemed like a good deal. Especially becuase they were the only band playing and I wouldn't have to sit through fuck-knows-what to wait to hear them play.

The gig starts. Right from the start it's total destruction. The band has an old photocopier on stage, and they start destroying it, and every one is jumping on stage helping them. They open some cans of creamed corn and start throwing it at the audience. The audience starts spitting back and everything starts flying and people are jumping everywhere and Dan from Fatal Error has the mic more than Blair does and everyone's yelling good-natured insults about people's mothers and through all this they're perhaps tighter than I've ever heard them, mainly because Little Dan is sober for once and is drumming up a storm [he just does this for fun, he's really destined to be a Jazz drummer].

And then about 40 energetic minutes later it's all over and everyone either migrates to the bar or goes home. And it's only about 10pm but I feel satisfied because it was practically free for all the entertainment I could wish for and I've had all the dancing and jumping I can handle. May Jesus smile on these guys and bless them with his goodness.

heavy metal apocalypse in the last days of the world feat. 2nd Nelsonian Black Metal Sabbat

Late December 1999 saw us [myself, Natas and Rorn; collectively (pretending to be) a band called Fellator] pile into a van and take the ferry across to the South Island. Our destination was the sunny city of Nelson; our mission was the second Nelsonian Black Metal Sabbat. For all we knew it could of been the last: the end of the world was fast approaching.


We arrived late afternoon on the day before the Sabbat, and of course it was dead sunny, so we asked the Nelsonian Black Metal royalty where we could find a beach. Now, if you know anything about Black Metal, you'll know it's a totally beyond Gothic, death-worshiping, Satan-worshiping, beyond-extreme branch of Metal. Consequently the responses went something like "A beach?" - "I don't go near water. Not even to shower." - "Do you want to go kill some hippies?" . We flagged it and went and pitched camp up the Maitai Valley, a green area on the edge of town with a river running through it, where all the boy- and girl-racers come to meet and burn-out.


We woke up the next morning and had hours to burn: the Sabbat wasn't until 20:44 that evening, the exact time of the Summer Equinox: the descent into darkness. We spent the day in town, shopping and frying in the sun. Why is the sunniest place in New Zealand also the Black Metal capital? We paused to laugh at some little teenager with Korn shaved in the back of his head. It seems that there will yet be another generation of angry white boys into Metal.


We cruised up around 18:00 and found no-one at the site: kept deadly secret until the day of the event [and even then only given out to those in the know, or as a set of map co-ordinates on the internet] so as to avoid lots of people just coming for a look. Wouldn't want to scare an unsuspecting public: these Black Metallers are dangerous.


Eventually the PA people turned up and Natas played roadie as no-one else was around. The fans started straggling in around about 19:00, and a sorry bunch they were too. A couple of fat, unattractive Metalheads and a couple of worried looking little teenagers who'd bicycled to the remote Smiths Ford site near the top of the Maitai Valley. I think they wished they'd listened to their mothers and stayed away from that evil music.


Around about 20:44 some people came running up the road: it was Dead BC from Daemon and Agramon from Goatvomit. The about 10 people who'd gathered by this time ran back down the road with them to the scene of a rolled car, and we helped them move it off the road. They were all buzzing about their brush with death, and couldn't help but wonder at its timing.


After last year's late start Xanataph, the ringleader of the whole Nelson scene, had promised that this year everything would be on time. He finally rolled in at about 21:30, and in style befitting such a king: he was riding on the bonnet of a Kingy [Holden Kingswood]. The cheers went up from the assembled crowd as they knew that now they could finally get started.

It was probably heading to midnight when the first band started playing: Bloodwych were in fine form, displaying that they were metal gods with a 90-minute set of gratuitous Metal covers: Venom's Countess Bathory, Black Sabbath's NIB, Van Halen's Panama... It went on for a long time and wasn't too tight, but the small crowd was mainly made up of friends rather than curious new-comers needing to be won over, so it was accepted warmly.


In between sets we got DJ Nightmare 666, a goth from Wellington with a large Black Metal CD collection who kept the crowd warmed up with such favourites as Satyricon, Emperor and Ulver: including, shockingly, the rather progressive (for a Black Metal fan) trip-hop sounds of their latest album «Themes from William Blake's The Marriage of Heaven and Hell». Me and Natas went up and asked if he had any Celtic Frost or Sodom, but it seems that this guy wasn't as metal as he was posing as, and couldn't produce the hits from the 80s.


At this time the much anticipated set by Fellator was cancelled. We decided that we were too misanthropic [too Black Metal] to be bothered playing, and went to sleep instead. I did wake up for snatches of some of the other bands though: after all, it was suitably loud and I wasn't quite dead. A band I believe were called Bentari had some keyboards and a female vocalist and sounded very Gothic and not so Metal. There was also a jam session featuring Kez Bizarre with her dark poetry which I found even more trippy than last year even though this time I was sober. It infiltrated my sleep like a knife in my brain. I think it must have been about 05:00 when I woke up to Daemon making some noise. Somewhere in there I managed to miss Goatvomit, who Natas assured me where very fast and heavy and cut the Black Metal picture in a satisfying manner. Beltane, Xanataph's flagship Black Metal band unfortunately didn't play because their drummer didn't turn up.


As dawn came the fires were still burning and Apocalypse Now was showing on a projecter, although the light made it very hard to see and the sound wasn't too hot. The people who'd stayed all night started packing up; the police turned up to ask questions about the fire and the wrecked car and the general feeling was more of disappointment at all the fuck-ups than of the celebration I felt last year.


Since it was all over, me and Rorn got the hell out of Nelson and headed down to the West Coast. Boxing Day saw a pattern emerging that was to become all too familiar: we ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere. I hitched in to Westport to get some petrol. It was hard going to get a lift back, but suddenly I was saved. Out of nowhere came a black ute, and the driver stopped. He then proceded to drive me down the windy, narrow country roads at a ridiculous speed, all the while playing Guns n' Roses «Appetite for Destruction» at a loud volume. Such Metal things just don't happen to me anymore.


A few days later and the situation was getting desperate, so we headed back to Nelson. By this time Ramelia had arrived in Nelson, so we hung out with her and Natas. We were sitting around in town when suddenly this black Valient pulls up and six giant rednecks get out of it. Painted on their car were the words "Sloppy Hole Patrol Y2K Tour" and then their names [stuff like Macca and Dazza]. We were rather offended at such sexist and ridiculous redneck behaviour, so we chose the choicest pictures out of a gay porn magazine that we happened to have lying around and stuck them to the windows of their car. We then sat back and laughed at the reactions of all the rather conservative locals as they stopped to look and then realised with horror what the pictures were. Eventually one of the rednecks came back to the car and ripped the pictures off: throwing them inside the car for later viewing. We laughed.


Ramelia was in town for The Gathering, so the day before it we took her out to Takaka. On the way we picked up some hitch-hikers. The first two were a couple of resourceful lads who were planning to hike into The Gathering the back way: a good way to avoid paying for the $100 ticket, but requiring a good knowledge of the hill-country surrounding The Gathering site and the willingness to hike for the best part of a day through some harsh terrain.


When we stopped for the next one, it seemed like we may have made a mistake. This guy seemed really drunk. But then we saw the tell-tale look in his eyes and realised that he was wasted. He proceded to show us the large bag of pills that he was carrying around with him and made some really typically confusing conversation.


We dropped them off somewhere and then looked for a place to stop for the night. People were camped everywhere along the side of the road and in every park and reserve we passed. Eventually we settled on the rather amusingly named Pu Pu Springs, and set about drinking the mini-keg that we'd liberated earlier in the day. This led to a rather amusing scene with some German tourists a few hours later...


We woke up in the morning and didn't leave early enough. Consequently we ended up in the traffic jam on the top of the Takaka Hill. There we ended up parked beside an emu farm. One guy got out of his car and went over to pet them. He got bitten. Nastily. We turned the Madonna tape up louder and waited. Luckily we'd come early enough to only have to wait about half an hour. As we got to the gate of The Gathering we came upon our old friend Bernard: The Gathering afterall being run by The McGillicuddy Serious Party, a political party of very sensible and fun-loving quasi-anarchists that Rorn was a candidate for at the last election.


As we cruised down the other side of the hill and looked at all the people stuck in the kilometres of traffic jam, we were glad we weren't going. Most of the people were dressed conservatively and expensively: an indication of how mainstream and commercial this event has become. We laughed at the people sitting in the traffic jam in taxi-vans, their meters ticking. It all just seemed a little ridiculous, and we were glad to be away.


At a bit of a loss, we eventually found ourselves at Smiths Ford, and decided to spend New Year's there. There was not another person there, and no sign of civilisation at all. We were completely alone and isolated. It was quite a magical atmosphere: not knowing whether it was all going to go down in flames or not.
It wasn't until around noon the next day when a vehicle drove past that we decided that we hadn't been lucky enough to be the only ones left on earth. Still, there's still hope eh?

Bass Frontiers 07: D.Tour, Sean, Pixie, Conspiracy @ Studio 9, Wellington

This was the first drum'n'bass gig I'd ever been to, and I was only going because I'd won a free ticket. Me and Natas and some girls cruised into this at the quite fashionable hour of 02:30. Studio 9 is a small hot dark venue and there must have been a couple of hundred people packed in there under the strobes dancing like maniacs to really loud drum'n'bass.


I slipped into the groove and started dancing, down the front. Some of the mixing wasn't too smooth, but the small few second pauses between each track were welcome reliefs.
Some of the DJs started throwing in rather prolonged atmospheric bits in between the breakbeats, which started cutting the dancing up rather annoyingly, but hey, maybe I was a little too manic for the fact it was 05:00 in the morning [if you've got the staying power the dance-floor really starts clearing out about that hour and you can go nuts].


All in all a welcome introduction to drum'n'bass.

Impaled Nazerene, Malevolence, Beltane, Monsterworks @ Indigo, Wellington, August 1999

The opening riffs of the first band sounded like Pantera or something equally 90s, so me and the Beltane boys went back home for some spots. Then we rushed back in time for their set, which even though it was tighter than the night before and quite magnificent, only encouraged me and some other drunken bogan up the front.
When Malevolence started up the Beltane boys disappeared for some more spots, but I stayed on and the local Hardcore Punks all got up as well. Daryl was in fine form and they generally went off even though the crowd wasn't too appreciative.


Finally it was time for Impaled Nazarene, and they burst on stage to a great reception. Suddenly everyone was up the front, and unlike some of the other bogan gigs around, everyone was having fun instead of being violent - I guess it was the Punk contingent that was there. I thought I was the most metal guy there in my cut-off denim jacket and bullet-belt and spiked guantlets, but it turned out that the guy with the Emperor logo tattooed across his shoulders beat me hands down. What a legend, eh? Their set was dynamite - nice and tight and with Mika in fine form. Burst Command 'Til War was unrecognised by the crowd as I had predicted, but I went fuckin' nuts and screamed along and it was all worth it.


After the gig Mika and the rest of the band were swarmed by a horde of girls, and I hear that he succeeded in his mission to get some groupies.

Impaled Nazarene interview

As Impaled Nazarene, a legendary Finnish Black Metal band, rolled into town I rang up the tour promoter [Chris Rigby/Subcide Productions] and an hour later I was sitting in the bar of the joint where they were staying buying Mika [the vocalist] a beer. By amazing luck there was a power socket at our table, so I plugged in and started up:

So, why are you making music?
Because it's a fucking good way to see the world and get laid.

What's the goal of Impaled Nazarene?
Well, the next goal... this year the «Rapture» Tour has taken us to lots of places... nowadays our goal is just to travel around as much as possible. So we have been to Ireland where we didn't do before. We have been to Ireland, Russia, Japan, two times Mexico, USA, Canada. So we have crossed all these places. Finally Australia, New Zealand. We have been trying to get this fucking tour for four years already, but we have been dealing with completely unprofessional bullshit companies that just don't have the resources to do it.

So what was your goal when you started out?
We didn't have any. Absolutely nothing. We just wanted to make music. Then when we got the record deal we started the touring. After that we have played like fucking five tours in Europe we were like "We have to get the fuck out of here". We have seen all the fucking clubs, all the places, all the time the same people coming to see you, so we just had to see new countries just fuck off from Europe. Europe is shit anyway.

Do you want to save the planet or destroy it?
I don't care anymore. I don't really care anymore.

Are you going to play «Burst Command 'Til War» [a cover of a Sodom song: German Speed Metal from the 80s] tonight?
Yes.
Would you be surprised if I told you probably not a lot of the crowd will know it?
That's why we play. We do it on purpose and we don't announce it. We play [didn't catch the song title] and from [that song] we continue directly to «Burst Command 'Til War». And every evening the reactions are like "What the hell is this?".
A lot of people here weren't into all that stuff.Well, perhaps we can turn them into it. Sounds like Impaled song anyway.

OK, what do you think of Electronic music?
I don't care. I used to do the Diabolus Rising you know, but I just lost interest. It sounds all the same to me.

What do you think of the way Metal is heading?
I don't how it's here, but in Europe it's the Power Metal is the biggest trend at the moment. Everyone's into the Power Metal or the Gothic. That fucking weeping Gothic shit which I cannot stand. They are all poofters.
So you're not going to try and get out of Metal like some of the Norwegians are now?
What?
Some of the Norwegian bands, like Ulver are stopping playing Metal and doing something else. Are you going to be doing that?
Ulver can stick their fucking heads in their arses for all I care.

Hahaha. OK, are you happy that Bruce Dickinson is back in Iron Maiden?
Yeah. But I am fucking sad that when we are recording our new CD that they are playing in Paris and because I live in Belgium I could have gone to see them. Fucking first show of that tour, so I was fucked. I should cancel the studio because of that.

Do you eat cheese?
Yes.
What's your favourite cheese?
What fucking kind of question's that? My favourite is the [didn't catch that either] which is a Northern France excellent cheese.

What do you think: you've seen quite a bit of the world: what do you think about racism?
I don't give a shit. I have no opinion on that. People can be whatever they want to as long as they don't rub it to my face. We had Nazi skinheads at the Dunedin show here throwing bottles at us or whatever.

Are you going to go to Hell?
I am in Hell already. Life is Hell.

Do you get many groupies, or do you actually have a wife hidden back in Finland that no one knows about?
Whatever happens on tour happens on tour, that's it. Australia was great and New Zealand has been shit so far.

What are your favourite drugs?
[Detroxapam or something that sounds like that] with whisky. That's a muscle relaxant that works like a dope bud. If you mix it with the whisky and take a couple of tablets you are fucked completely for like 14 hours. That's the best drug there is.

What's the craziest gig you ever did?
Our first show in Tokyo this March. The audience.. we have never to such a wild audience it was completely crazy. We had the guy from Osmose Productions, Herve, the owner, he was in the show. When we started playing he took away all his clothes except his jeans and he started spitting on me directly to my mouth and screaming. He jumped on the stage and kicked my arse, so I just fucking kicked his arse and I started to spit back and he kept coming on stage and spitting on me and hitting me and everybody was trashed. That was a very cool show. I would like to see someone from Century Media to go when [some band on their roster which I didn't catch] is playing and go [un-transcribable violent sound-effects]

Have you ever been afraid that you might die while you're touring?
I've already seen so much shit. I have seen so much shit and I have done my own adventures while on tour. And I'm pretty much separated from the other guys nowadays I just go my own way. So if I die today I would be happy I've seen so much stuff.
So you weren't afraid at any time, or...?
No.

Are you paranoid about the government? Like conspiracies and stuff?
Well, I know for a fact that my phone is tapped. And so is our bass player's. We were talking one Friday night on the phone and there was all the time this static like "krrrr". So he says in Finnish "Do you hear this? This phone is being tapped". And at that moment the connection was lost immediately like "do do do". So I ring him again. I said "Do you realise what happened?" and then it was clear. We caught them like the fucking truth. Nowadays when we start phone conversations we tell them to fuck off like "Fuck off State Security. Go to Hell. We want to talk alone". And I have been followed, I know.
That's terrible.
Well, at some point you know, when all kinds of shit happened inside Black Metal scene, it affected of course people like us. We are black listed somewhere. They have a fucking document about that, they have a list of all the people who can be listed as suspicious.
Did the police come and interview you and stuff?
No, because we haven't done anything illegal, so why would they do that?
Did you actually know Euronymous and people like that?
Not personally. I was in contact with him, yeah, but... I got his last letter four days before he died, or was killed.

What's the strangest thing you ever ate?
Ate? Is this a kooky magazine or what?
Yeah, it's a bit strange.
Strangest thing I ever ate? We did this show in East Germany. I don't remember the name of the willage, but there was a pub where we played and exactly 12 houses. They cooked us something. They were wegetables which I today still don't have a fucking clue what it was. I didn't eat it because... We have seen some horrible food. In Mexico we have eaten some things that we don't even know what they were, but we were hungry. We didn't have a choice. Kangaroo was cool. I liked kangaroo it tasted like bull.

How well did you do at school? Have you got like a good education?
I don't really want to answer questions like that. I prefer to keep my personal life pretty secret, because I have learned that the more open you are in interviews, the more people have to backstab you. So I'm not only being paranoid about the government, I'm paranoid about everybody. It's healthy. It's healthy to be paranoid.

Do you play any sports?
Well, if wanking is considered sport, yes.

Would you say you're still a Black Metal band, or are you getting sick of people calling you that?
People can call us whatever. We don't care. You know, it's Extreme Metal. Can you call Emperor a Black Metal band anymore? I don't think so. They have so much in their music. It's good, it's expanding. It makes things sound more interesting when you are not just sounding like a pure Black Metal band when you take other influences.

Have you seen anything in New Zealand so far that you think's pretty strange?
Well, I'll tell you one thing. The whole Dunedin: [holds up his hands] do you know what this is?
No.
Nine fingers. I tell you that the whole Dunedin is nine fingers inbred. Fucking society where the brother and the dad are married to their sisters.
Yeah, I know. I used to live down there.
We played our show. We wanted to get the fuck out of there. Let's disappear from here forever. We have done shows for 152 gigs in 24 different countries and that's the first fucking show we have ever done ever actually that and a show in Mexico in a place called [didn't catch the name] where they didn't have nine fingers, they had seven. They were even more retarded there. Fucking apes.

What are you planning for New Year's? The millennium party?
I will go to Las Vagas to gamble my money. That's what I have decided. I have always wanted to go there and I need to go to a place where it's going to be so huge and I know that Las Vagas is the entertainment centre of the world, so I'll be singing Elvis classics in the kareoke.

What's the best place you've been to so far?
You mean in New Zealand or the whole world?
The world.
Australia. Australia for us, but for me personally there's three: the whole Australia; Tokyo: actually the whole Japan: I love the Japanese culture; and then Canada: Montreal, especially the Montreal main street. It's my dream town. In the main street you have strip-club, Metal shop, bar, strip-club, Metal shop, bar. You have hookers and then you have all sorts of glue-sniffers out there, fucking bikers and stuff. I was there like "This is my dream place". It's beautiful town. And I like the Canadians. They are totally different from the people from the States.

Do you like Star Wars?
Of course. I fucking grew up on it, so.. It's my all-time favourite movie «Empire Strikes Back». I've seen it fucking 35 times or something. But I'll never get enough of it.
Have you seen the new movie yet?
It only opens by the end of August where we live, so... We wanted to see it in Australia but we didn't have a chance. But I don't think that it's a good, because they have a children playing. That's fucking moronic.

You're the first Scandinavian band to come over here. Do you see that as much of an achievement?
I'm fucking proud of that. I know for a fact that of any type of music, even Classical music or whatever, that we are the first ever Finnish band to play in New Zealand. Us! That's why we said in the interviews in Finland when we left we were like "Fuck off. We are going to New Zealand. Show us any other artist who have done that". And also like, if you compare to other bands usually other bands in Australia do like three shows or something and then it's only Auckland here and we did eight in Australia, four in New Zealand. I don't know, but it always happens to us that way. Also in Mexico, they told us we are the only international band ever to play in eight different towns. Usually the bands fly in, play Mexico City, fly out. We have done two tours, two two-week tours there touring the whole fucking country. We have been very lucky. We have seen so much shit that I should write a book about it. I've been thinking that it would be a very weird stories to tell.

What has the response been like in New Zealand so far to your band?
Well, in Dunedin it was total shit. And yesterday it was, after Melbourne, it was the best show we have done on this trip. Christchurch just ruled. It was fucking intense. People were totally into it. It was nice. So I hope that tonight it will be even better.

Do you think that short hair has a place in Metal? [I read this question rather timidly, because Mika has a shaved head]
Is this a trick question or what?
Um, no. I really didn't know that you had no hair.
I think so. I don't care. You can look whatever you like. In Japan we played our first show in [didn't catch the name]. 75% of the audience was women. None of them were Metal chicks. They came with the nice dresses and shit like that. With the guys there was one guy with a Metal shirt and everyone else was with the suit and tie. They looked like [puts on mock-Japanese voice] "I come directly from the work". And we were there like "Do you even know us?" They were like "We like Impaled. You are very good" . It was cool. So, I don't care. You can look whatever you like. If you like Metal, that's enough for me. I'm sick and tired of what we call the East German look that you have to have 20,000 tons of fucking spikes and bullet-belts before you are so-called Metal. I don't care about it anymore.

Beltane @ Indigo, Wellington

This was a warm-up gig for Beltane, who had come up from Nelson to support Impaled Nazerene the next night. I turned up just before their set, having missed all the support acts in the name of money [day-jobs suck]. They were in pretty good form, but they were playing to only about 20 people, as the promotion had been shocking. I guess it's a pretty good reflection on the state of Black Metal in this country.
They turned it on for them though, and I had a lot of fun.